ETCETERA

My mom and i spent the christmas  eve in dasmarinas cavite together with my brother's family. We cooked kare kare, xianghai rolls, broiled chix, spag, ordered lechon etcetera for our handa. we said the grace together, ate and chitchat. My mom shared with us my dad's and her love story.

Though ive heared it many times, i was still eager to listen. We sang our hearts desire and abused our videoke system... hehe  just a typical christmas of a typical filipino family. the same christmas as before. no other new drama than me celebrating my first hiv positive christmas. i reflected on the night of christmas, got sad then thanked God for making me strong enough to move on and continue living. the next morning. dec. 25, i noticed some rash on my arms, and my trunk... geez.... nevirapine is the culprit. soon after, they noticed the rash as well and ofcourse... i blamed the camaron rebosado and the tempura for the rash.. poor lil things... my mom insisted to bring me to la salle hospital... good thing im good in theatre so i  acted like im ok. though im worried about it. and the hell. its itchy....

Nevirapine was so successful in giving me his "severe rash drama" and i cant stop  scratching every nook and cranny of my body... (even my balls itch... haha)... but it isnt  as severe as that of the others. just consider mine as a mild drama. anyway... my face seems blushing!. so it boosts the "pacute factor". thats cool... my trunk and arms are hmmm pinkish/reddish as if i sun bathed under cancun's sunny sky (ambisyosa!!!) actually, i love going to beaches and get tanned but the prob is... my skin doesnt get tannish. just reddish/pinkish.

Moving on. this crappy rash didn't prevent me from attending the pozie power gathering last 12/26 at SM North Edsa. of course i am thrilled in meeting other poz fairies because i want to reach out, help and learn from them. i am a newbie and i know just a little (despite the medical school background.hihi)

the lil meet up was a blast. the peeps from the north decided to meet earlier to watch avatar(they wished to experience a'eywah) and since I have seen it my partner and D watched it with his chums already and both of us are from the south, we settled in meeting up around 530 in taft mrt. i am late as usual, D and I met and off we went to sm north. on our way to the mall, there had been some sort of "eksena" along the foot bridge. haha counterflow thingy... it was funny.. it is one of those "only in the philippines" experiences. after the eksena we reached the rendesvous. officially and finally, i met the infamous backinthecloset. of course J was there, 'twas our second time seeing each other and 2 other pozies. Mk and Pl. good thing theyre done with thier coffee since D and I were both hungry. we ended up eating in one of the spaghetti houses inside the mall

after eating to our hearts content. we walked for awhile to burn the carb and decided to have some shots. i promised my self that i wont drink anymore. but the hell. i havent drank for ages. i fought the temptation but i lost. i gave in... consolation... bottomless margarita. and the result... (headache and nausea the next day). we talked about life, our first time experiences, lovelife, sexlife from manuela to marcela drama, etcetera. we popped our pills one after the other, laughed and chit chat more and more. it was one hell of a night because... i felt that i belong. that i am not alone in this. that there are others out there. and all we got to do is to reach out. im pretty sure they are willing to give a helping hand. i am ready...and meeting other people who share the same condition with me boosts my morale and my hope. life still continues even after the diagnosis. life must continue.

We parted ways around past 2 in the morning. four of us took a cab towards the south while "back in the close or the so called blair" and Mk moved to another direction. we dropped off Pl somewhere in cubao. since the night was still young, D,J and I continued our lil soiree in malate. its late to barge in any bars and i hate doing that. so we decided to grab some super early breakfast. we ate at silya. and it was my first time. "like a virgin" crap... we walked along the streets of malate to give J a lil tour around the gayish lights of malate. we walked and walked, got tired.. then went home.

the next morning was full of head ache drama. due to margarita. (since it was just the third day after my metronidazole treatment, i guess my body hasnt cleared it up completely. so the disulfiram like effect was still kicking in.) after popping my 11am combivir, i changed my clothes and went directly to my partner's unit. i have his keys so i had to be there early. we slept the whole day... literally... we just slept...woke up to eat and slept again.

now, im all alone here in our house, doing nothing. bored, listening to tiesto and laidback luke and other gayish mixes. shaking my booty and feeling the thumpa thumpa... while eating cheetos twisted puffs.

thats all for now... just remember...

life goes on even if you are hiv positive. and we are here.. all you have to do is to reach out.

try it... it helps.

Happy Holidays ^_^

Hi there everyone. No drama and all... i just want to greet you a very merry christmas and a wonderful new year.

i developed severe skin rash from nevirapine though, good thing i have a fair complexion and i noticed the rash right away, so i guess i just have to stop taking in nevirapine for now until i meet dra. d once again. the rashes are all in my arms and trunk. (please spare me the facial area. pls...)

anyway... God bless and Lets live a longer and better life.

11 o'clock

and so it has begun... the need to take in the medicines to prolong my life has started. at 11:00 this morning, i popped my first pill (combivir) and ill be taking in 2 more pills by 11:00 in the evening (combivir/viramune). the gravity of the fact that i have to be adherent to this time schedule for the rest of my life is very overwhelming. just like the other rookies, its way too frightening and worrisome. im afraid of the side effects, especially liver toxicity and rash from viramune. most of all, im afraid of resistance. im afraid that the virus inside of me will mutate and become resistant to the ARVs that i am taking. im afraid of everything. its like starting back from day 1. from the day that i knew.

last night, i was so uneasy and i barely slept. i spent the night thinking about this very big day. this isnt your typical one week course of antibiotics rather it is a lifetime responsibility to and for yourself if you wish to to stay alive. i know these qualms will pass. and ill be able to handle this gorgeously. i just need some time to get use to it. i just need some time.

and now i welcome myself to the world of POSITIVISM... let the real battle of my life begin.

To Haven's Point!!!

My week started with anxiety about my lab results. Last monday, I sent a message to ate A of RITM to check if my appointment with Dra. will push through by wednesday(uhmmm yes, yesterday), she replied "Tom, 2pm" then i said, tom? i am not tom im mike. because im well aware that dra. conducts consultations every wed and thurs. so i confirmed and ate anna says, tom tuesday, since dra couldnt make it by wed and thurs due to meetings/prior engagements. lets move on then...

and tuesday came. i left around past noon time. same drama, same effort. walk, take a bus going to ayala, and bus again going to metropolis alabang. then, either a multicab or fx going to RITM. Lucky 13 calls it "The Hills" and i call it "Haven's Point" (arte lang!!!)

when i got there, ate A greeted me and asked me to go to our lounge to wait. "lets call it SQUID POND" since it is where we "PUSIT" stay. (i swear, i dont want to be called pusit. it is'nt just right for me,i prefer pozfairy instead, hahaha arte.) and there were so many people in there. some are pozfairies, some are not so pozfairies. i think they came from visayas and mindanao. (o diba. level up!!!) actually, we have nothing to do with them at that point. so someone asked us to stay in the adjacent room instead. (in the sleeping lounge/kitchen) and so i met, JOSE, GREGORIO, DIEGO and JORGE. (lalakeng lalake for a change)

we talked and laughed and talked and laughed. especially when JORGE did the talking regarding his friend AIDA who's confined in UPPGH and we laughed more when suddenly JORGE fell asleep with mega snoring effects.  JOSE, also a newbie just came back here in the country from the outer space, mind you, he's taking atripla. (susyal), DIEGO on the other hand had gorgeously developed a hypersensitivity rxn to NEvirapine. and GREGORIO.... nah, he's not a pozfairy he is just.. and fauxpozfairy... but helps alot in the pozzies community. until we were called one by one by ate A for our consultation with dra. Candidate no. 1 was Ms. Venezuela Diego... and then, Ms. Peru, JOSE was called and third, I... Ms. China was called.

i introduced myself to dra and we went on. there's no official result yet (result in papers) but ate A wrote my cd4 counts in my record. both dra and i we're shocked to know my cd4 count. as in completely shocked since ive only been infected in less than a year. (negative screening last Jan '09 remember???)

due to my numbers ive got to start arv right away. (NASTY!!!) i also asked dra regarding my diarrhea and she prescribed 2 antibiotics. its a very big help since all meds  as well us cd4 ct and vl testing./resistance test are for free...

how can i pay for those if ever. (sighs)  on next wednesday, ill be starting my "darna pills" after a week of antibiotics for my diarrhea. im afraid of the side fx. especially the nevirapine. im so afraid to gorgeously developed rashes. i just want the gorgeous part. infact my skin has some rash already. "dermatitis thingy"

im scared like hell... and feels shitty about my drastic weight loss and skin rash. HIV is sooooo ungorgeosuly unfabulous....

and we all went out of Haven's point together, we hitched with GREGORIO for a ride, we dropped by festival mall to accompany G, in buying some wrappers not "rubbers" for his gifts. and we went to our own separate ways. Diego moved into another direction and I, JOSE and JORGE took the bus bound for north areas.

i got off in ayala and took a bus going to MOA where my partner waits. (actually its i who waited) both of us shopped for some chirstmas treats.

it was a very tiring day...

tiring yet fruitful...

Like a Virgin!!!

....and so our day began... After 4 hours of sleeping, my boyfriend and I managed to wake up around 6 in the morning to prepare for our very first trip to RITM, like a VIRGIN. We took a cab to ayala and got on the bus to alabang and took an FX to RITM. Phew. I never thought that commuting would be that hassle. But then our trip was worth the effort.

ive met the very infamous ate A of RITM, shes the nurse who unconditionally assists us HIVers, then we discussed what happened to me and all those stuff, then she asked me to have my labs done, they extracted around 80cc of blood from me. Good thing i have lots of supplies of my precious and now INFECTED blood hehe.

the atmosphere was very nice and welcoming, ive met other people who shares the same condition with me. ive met ate E, and i was shocked to know that she is positive as well... and for how long... heh? just for 12 years... yes shes proud, and thats something to be proud of... (applause for being a survivor).... i never thought that she is also affected by it. she looks so healthy and well. so i guess i have to get used to the drugs and love them hehe. Ate E accompanied me to the so called "PUSIT (POSITIVE) lounge" and i met ate H, another survivor and HIV advocate. if i heard it right, they are the ones responsible for the free ARV that we are enjoying right now... "ENJOYING???" i guess...

and i met another pozzie from palawan, i was shocked to learn that there are people from around the country who go to RITM everynow and then, i hope hes ok now,

i guess i am still lucky for knowing it right away. they mentioned that others are on thier critical stages already when they knew theyre infected. so i thank God for that.

and ive also met RRs mother, RR and I are only related for the fact that both of us are sharing the same condition. we are both HIV+s, its just that im luckier to be alive. RR passed away last week  as they reported. when i condoled RRs mother, i can feel the loneliness that shes bearing, the pain that shes enduring for what happened to her son, and partly to us who have the same condition as RR. i saw her shed a tear but fought it. i was saddened by this thought, for the fact that people are dying because of this disease. and the fact that he is of the same age as i am.he is only 22 or around that age i believe. i know that he had so many plans, and dreams to accomplish, but this disease took away his right in making those dreams come true.

and so i prayed for strength and guidance not just for me, but for RRs family and the rest of the people who are living with or affected by HIV.

after some chitchat with, my bf and i left our so called HAVEN... and went home on our way he agreed to get tested as well, so we went straight ahead to Manila Social Hygiene and had his rapid test, after counselling N, a nurse volunteer walked us to the lab and assisted us. they extracted blood from my partner for the rapid testing, hepa screening and RPR for syph, his RT was negative. phew.. thank God for that, and I hope that hes negative as well to other STIs so that we can minimize the chances of having me infected by another STIs and of course, monogamy is not an issue with us, were settled on that..,.

after those tiring travels and wanders, we realised that we havent eaten yet, havent take our breakfast and lunch actually, so we went to SM san lazaro to eat. and we headed straight to his pad to formally end our day.

anyway... i got to go now. im sleepy. i want to sleep...

later guys...

EM....

LIES LIES LIES...

Lies.... Everybody lies... and thats a fact. Others lie in a very very very convincing way and others... well are not that gifted with that.

I lied to my mom! Thats it, I lied by telling her that I need some cash for my books and modules in my grad school. I know am an ass but i dont have anyother choice. I have to go to RITM on wednesday morning and get all the labs done. i was advised to bring around 2k for that.

My mom, without any hesitation handed me more than the amount I asked and said, "just make sure to buy your stuff and study harder" and then suddenly i felt so guilty of what ive done. I am a good son and I love her so much. Its just that I dont have any choice. I am a nurse, yes a registered one and a board placer(like it matters these days) but still, i am unemployed. Its too hard to apply nowadays in hospitals due to the excessive supply of nurses (will no demand actually). Plus knowing that I am HIV+.... yes, that made it so much more encouraging to apply. (huh... sarcasm intended.).. Most of all, nobody aside from my lover knows about my condition. i prefer not to disclose it as of now. i have to look good and well, and have a stable job. like showing them i am still living a normal and productive life despite being HIV+. before telling them......i hope that time will come. i know it will...

It pains me to lie to someone who i love so much. hayyy... anyway. i better get my ass moving before depression strikes...

hmmm im thinking of what to cook...

Dinner Fiasco!!!

This is it. After releasing all the tensions and emotions on my first three blogs (which may seem gibberish to others) , i am now a normal blogger...

Holy Moly... My boyfriend and I has been on so many fast food(or shall i say FAT food chain.) chains since the day i was diagnosed. this might be a form of depression. hehee but whos depressed anyway. Mcdo, Jolibee, Mang Inasal, North Park, Teriyaki Boy, SuperBowl etc. weve been to those places over and over again for a month. we both know that my appetite lay lowed. "loss of appetite." may be due to this illness.

and so both of us are fed up of that habit. we better buy a new gasul for our pad. moving on.

i suddenly crave for KFC and its super duper yummylicious gravy. YUM YUM YUM!!! so i went to KFC near our place and ordered 2 pc chx hot and crispy to go. (mind you no extra rice huh...) plus my favorite. extra large gravy...

when i got home a while ago. i started munching on the chicken... enjoying every single crunchy sound it makes. and so i dipped it to my favorite gravy... and to my surprise. something didnt seem right. like uh oh.... it seems like my favorite doesnt taste yummy anymore. infact, i ended throwing up in my bathroom.

i dont know if this a part of the whole "hey you have HIV s/sx package" or just psychological. purely psychological... but what im sure of is i dont like eating in KFC anymore.

DISCLAIMER:

"I am nothing againts KFC and to its Products. I

just dont like it anymore... and Yeah right!!! As if KFC would give a damn about this"

Happy Dinner everyone.

Confirmation: HIV+, the day that I Live again.

As i stayed in Limbo for 3 weeks, I have met 3 persons which made my stay ambivalent.

First among them was CONFUSION... He's a man without a face and was barely recognizable. All I could notice was his silhoutte floating around me like a blurry entity, like a shadow. I asked him what does he want from me. He didn't reply. I asked him who he is, still he didn't answer. I asked him to leave me, still he didn't answer and continued following me. He's been around for days and that irritated me. Then i asked myself what to do, why all this things happened to me. I cried like i haven't done it before. I called names for help but didn't resolve anything. I was so lost like a man walking without a destination. My heart was too heavy to carry back then like its full of something which will eventually change its position or be displaced inside my gut. i was so lost and hadnt even recognized time. woke up by 6 in the morning, with disbelief that its happening to me and thinking about whats going to happen in the future. until the afternoon and i didnt seem to care eating at all.All i wanted to know was why this thing is happening to me. why me? im a good man, and i havent stepped into anyone as far as i know. im a good child to my parents and a good bunso to my siblings. i am a man of values with optimistic perspectives. why me? why not the other people who succumb to using drugs, partying like hell in malate, engaging in group sex and whatnot....why not them??? why does it have to be me,??? how about my dreams, how about my future, my plans for my parents, my family? i kept on asking these questions when i stayed in limbo, im so confused. and then i realised. Confusion is my state of mind and thats why he never left me when i stayed there.

due to my state of mind. i ended up thinking of an easy fix.... an easy escape from what im going through back then... i thought of committing suicide. i thought about it for one whole night and when i fell asleep ive met DEATH. As much as I remember, Death resembled someone from our mythology class. A tall man with a toned and built body. Like an olympian. Hes handsome and is comparable to a Greek God draped with a see through cloth around his waist. I was in awe to see him on that fashion. Hello! even though im confused. i am still gay. haha.

i asked Death about what he could offer to me. he said nothing more than the easy escape that i sought. and i knew that that's all i wanted. to escape. to quit. to end it just like that. Death said that if i have decided to go with him. all i got to do is join him in his boat leading to uncertainties. and that hed wait for me on that very spot of limbo.

i said i have to think it over first. i delved and thought hard about it. and i can say that twas one of the very difficult decisions that ive faced so far. to take away my life just like that.

CONFUSION was still there following me when i met DEATH and  both of them makes a good Combo actually.

i kept on thinking back then. ive thought hard and i even worked and worn out all my brain cells but still without consolidation. and then ive heard someone whisper PRAY PRAY PRAY. when i turned back i saw an old man cloaked in white.i couldnt recognize his face since flashes of bright lights are emmanating from him. he took my hand and tap me on back. he said his names FAITH. without a single word or piece of advice from FAITH, just by merely tapping my back...i remember what i always advice my friends when they have problems or when they are feeling down. and so i told my self. PRAY PRAY PRAY and in the silence of your heart, you will find the answer. hell yes, i forgot to actually pray in the silence of my heart. all i did before was to rant and cry to HIM . i thought i was praying back then, but in reality i was just crying my heart out to God.

i thanked FAITH and he led me to a place devoid of noise and distraction. soon after he left me. and so i prayed and asked God for forgiveness, and for support, for wisdom to accept this reality and for strength as i battle this disease. and as I pray deeply, I felt DEATH to drift away from me and CONFUSION is gradually turning into Wisdom. His face is gradually changing from silhoutte into a clearer viscera.

After these encounters, i woke up once again in the real world, it was NOV. 21, 2009. My lover and I went to a DX Center in QC to pick up my WB result. I told my lover, no matter what the result is, i am going to face it. and he will help me in facing this biggest battle of my life.

So we went there and i talked to the receptionist. she wasnt that accomodating actually. but when she heared that i am there to pick up my WB result. her mood to me gradually changed. she then asked me to write my name so that she could double check it. i dont know if the sudden changed in the mood was due to her shock or due to her pity coz im dying...(hahaha. either way... i care less)

after sometime, she accompanied me to the doctors consulation area and asked me wait for the doc. the doctor- married to an ID doctor as well (ive known bec of her Rx Pad) informed me about my result. she said what do i think about the result. i told her, i am expecting it to be positive. she asked me why i think that way. so ive mentioned all my signs and symptoms, all my sexcapades before i met my lover. and then she said YES you are HIV-1 positive. and explained to me what i already know (but then i didnt feel irritated at that time since i felt her sincerity in helping me) she gave me the contact details of this person from DOH.

and when i left the clinic. i decided to live my life again and i said to my self.

LET THE BATTLE BEGIN

In Limbo was where I stayed after dying

After hearing the news that I was reactive. The med tech told me that I got to wait upto Nov 20. for the confirmatory and these were the days that I experienced the loniless of the place called Limbo.

Many say that it is the place between the Heavens and the Hell. Others say that it is some sort a dessert separating the two world. Still other says that it is a place which is colder than the Himalayas or Siberia. But I say, it is a state of mind that delineates sanity and the twilight of mental disruption.

Just like any human. I cried so hard until my eyes popped out. I cried like I never did before. I cried not because I am afraid of the disease or of dying, but by dying without doing anything for my family. My parents raised me so well and invested so much on my education and welfare. And in return, I promise to them and to myself that I will give them the luxury of life when they get older. I am a registered nurse and wished to seek greener pasture in other countries. I am a man of dreams and aspirations. But then, all my dreams shattered when I knew. I felt I was a dead man walking. I felt like i am non-existent. I felt alone and miserable. I cried one day then another begging God to adjust the time for my parents sake. But then, he was too stiff on this one. I lost my appetite and eating never crossed my mind back in those times. I was a trainee in one of the hospitals here in Manila and decided to quit the program since the news was too much for me to fathom. Its too much for me to carry...

Just like the others, committing suicide had been my number one option. It was planned already. Not by taking in a handful of sleeping pills or vitamins but by inject KCL directly to my vein at that time. i was too serious about doing it for an easy escape of this problem. I prayed and asked God for wisdom and Guidance, and he answered my prayers, ive heared someone saying "No, Dont do it." i guess twas my conscience.

i was so lost that time. my symptoms worsen and my friends noticed that i am not as cheerful as before. that i look sick. and i blamed stress just to cover up the true reason.

then i realized that i have never been a quitter. that i was born and raised as a fighter. i prayed hard and delve into my inner senses. i searched the silence of my soul and prayed. and the first word that i heard when i opened my eyes "LIVE" i have to continue living. there's a modest treatment for this disease. and there is a hope that in my lifetime. a cure or better treatment will be developed. and i was lucky to have found an online support group/forumz for poz people which helped me to continue living. (aidsmedsforum/poz). ive read that now adays HIV/AIDS is considered as a chronic illness which can be managed and treated. Just like Diabetes, CVS, arhritis etc. and that thought made the load a lot lighter. i was able to know 2 new pinoy friends online. J and C. J has given me so many information and made things more real and practical while C helped me to smile once again. and these people together with the others who are on the same boat as I am, helped to leave the so called Limbo and Live my Life again.

_________

next blog.

Confirmation: HIV+, the day that I Live again.

I died on the day I knew!!!

It started with a flirt, then with some hot shots of tequila until my spirit lost its senses, i dozed off and the next day  I realised I had unprotected sex with someone I barely knew... A cliche and trite story perhaps, a very common story that started it all.

Acquiring HIV had not impacted me at that very moment since it's a usual thing for me, having sex with strangers, with people who I am not so sure of what thier true names are. The only different thing was I compelled them to use condoms which i failed to do since tequila possessed my body and my soul that night

Then my life went on, a week later, i developed an exudative tonsillopharyngitis (sore throat with pus), fever of varying degrees. The thought getting STDs other than HIV started to consume me, I went to a diagnostic clinic somewhere in Kalaw and had an overall diagnostics, and that included HIV 1/2 PA (Particle Agglutination). All came back negative. I got well and never felt better. These were the events that shook me last January 2009. Then I realised its time for me to go steady with someone. A husband and husband sort of thing. March came and i met my partner "Parker" Parker shared the same thoughts with me about being tired of promiscuity and getting ready to settle for the best with someone. We dated and decided to be together. Just like any other relationships, ours has gone through alot of thick and thin but without any issue of a third party or sex outside our self imposed matrimony.

Time passed so smoothly, August came with a blast. I started exp. bouts of diarrhea. It never bothered me actually since i wished for that so that i could lose some weight. But to my surprise and tense. It persists until this very moment. For 4 months already. Just thought that it was some kind of parasitic infection or of the same sorts.  September came and I developed seborrheic dermatitis. I was too pre occupied by then so it never really bothered me. After a month I realised that my dermatitis flares up every 2 weeks which isnt normal. Due to my pre occupation, I deferred seeing a specialist for consult. Then i noticed some white streaked fuzzy projections on the sides of my tongue. (Thinking it is Oral Hairy Leukoplakia) Being a nurse, i know that this is an indication of a weakened immune system. ERGO, HIV Infection since I belong to the high risk populace.

Then Last October 28, a wednesday,  I gathered all my strength and decided to have another HIV screening. (HIV 1/2 Serodia PA) I asked the front desk officer if it will be released the next day (since its a routine that they only release HIV screening result every thurs, they had to bring it to San Lazaro and all those dramas)

Oct. 29, a thursday @ 335 PM i went back to the lab for my result. Same routine  I waited for almost an hour and the officer asked me to see the med tech in the laboratory.

I wasnt that shocked by her news since part of me is expecting it. I just ended up saying. "O-Oh!!! Somethings not right" and the med tech explained to be in a very polite manner which i appreciated. Though telling me what i Already Know about the process irritates me, i just let it passed. Maybe some part of me was stricken by that result.

I said my thanks to her and left. Took a cab and went home directly. I knew that I died on that day. My life just ended with the partly accepted news. My existence just disappeared right then and there.

As i said, I died on the day I knew!!!